Dear baby Beau
Today is the 25th of October. One month since you were born. And we’ve had such a lovely day together.
Firstly, your daddy took me to our local spa to get a much-needed massage whilst he waited in the reception with you. It was super cute, as all the female staff cooed over you whilst he looked on like the cat with the cream! We’ve been regulars there since before we got engaged, so the staff have enjoyed our journey from a couple, to newly-weds, and now doting parents. They couldn’t wait to meet you! Then, afterwards, your daddy had to go out to do some business so we had time in the sunshine on your sheepskin in daddy’s office. I gave you a little massage of your own with baby lotion and your skin was so warm and delicious! Then I took you for a walk to the park, before settling onto the sofa whilst you had a nice snuggly nap on my tummy all afternoon.
We have had so many wonderful times together in these first few weeks. After birthing you at North Shore Hospital, we spent some time up north at the Warkworth birthing centre. It was great to have time to hibernate and just be with you, before we came home and life began again for us all. Surrounded by trees and nature, and continuously supported by the nursing staff, Warkworth was a great place to be. One night in particular, though, I will never forget:
You were not settling for a much needed sleep – and your daddy and I were becoming increasingly anxious, and I was beyond sleep-deprived and sore from surgery so it was all getting a bit too much – until a kind nurse, whom I will never forget, offered to take you and cuddle you whilst your daddy and I got an hour of sleep. She said she would return you once you settled. This was 11pm. At 3am I woke and you were not in our room. Unable to jump straight out of bed, because of my c-section, I carefully rolled myself out as best I could whilst my heart was pounding in my ears and frantically went to look for you. I didn’t even think to wake your daddy in my haste. Soon enough I found the nurse, calmly sitting in reception working at the computer! “Where’s…” “…he’s asleep,” she smiled. And there you were, fast asleep like a little angel, in a gorgeous pale blue perambulator – like something out of Peter Pan. “Go back to bed, mumma” she said. And you let us sleep another hour until 4am. Your daddy WAS unaware of the entire episode. You’ve never slept through the night like that since, baby – but no matter, you will. The main thing was – in that moment of panic I realised all the love I had for you. The feeling of being apart from you was utterly unbearable. I thought my heart had truly broken.
You have done so well, baby, keeping up with your restless mother who is still learning how to be quiet and restful. In your first month we’ve taken you to the mall a few times and bought you new clothes; we’ve had a newborn photoshoot where the photographer managed to capture all of your beauty on camera; I turned 30 and you slept through the entire party!; and you even attended your first Wedding – the union of two of our most cherished friends. I had initially been appointed to be their Celebrant, but fortunately we all thought it wise some time ago to change plans – as I am sure my sleep-deprivation and anxious looks over to you throughout the entire ceremony would not have done them justice! Still, it was wonderful to have attended – a beautiful, sunny, outdoor ceremony at Wenderholm Regional Park. Which saw me, just two weeks after your birth, wearing a pretty dress amongst friends and remembering my own marriage to your daddy, only 11 months ago. How far we have come!
And how far we have come in the last month also. I’m not going to lie baby, at first it was really hard. It was strange to celebrate your life and to simultaneously grieve for the loss of you in my womb. And I had no idea how difficult it would be to care for you, especially after a c-section. I was in shock, pain, grief, uncertainty – and all of those things meant that I needed a lot of support. Your daddy, and your extended family have been amazing at helping me. In fact, your birth has brought me so much closer to them all. How lovely it has been for them to be there for me, after I have always been so fiercely independent. And how nice it has been for me to feel so taken care of, and loved.
Baby, never in my life have I felt more pain, fear, exhaustion, and complete and utter devotion. I knew how to care for a baby and was “prepared” for you – but only at your birth was I born a mummy. And only now do I appreciate the meaning of that role. Each day we get to know each other more. And you have no idea how precious and how lovely you are. Your vulnerability, and my responsibility, has brought out a fiercely protective side in me. And your beautiful sweet face has broken my heart into a million pieces on more than one occasion. Okay, daily. But your daddy has been catching all of those little pieces, and giving them all back to me. I expect you will be so much like him, baby – you have already proved yourself to be so strong and you are such a sweetheart. You look just like your daddy too. So incredibly handsome.
Baby, I will always remember the day we finally brought you home. The living room still had the birth pool in it and the furniture was in disarray after our abandoned home birth… and your daddy had quickly ushered you and I to rest in the bedroom, whilst he and your Poppa tidied everything up, and your Aunty Heather came with food, and then the midwife came and held my hand whilst I cried as we talked through some things, and then your Grandma came and gave you your first bath, and then we all had dinner and cuddled you, and then, after everyone went home it was just you, me, and your daddy. He held you whilst I had a hot shower and washed all of the hospital away, before I joined him on the sofa to feed you and watch some T.V. And for the first time, I felt it. And that was it, I thought. Whatever life throws at us now, we are together. And we are home.
I am so blessed! I still can’t believe you are mine, baby.