One year of you

Dear baby Beau

Today is an indescribable day. Today, exactly one year ago, is the day I first discovered you. How life has changed. How I have changed.

This time last year I had just peed on a stick, and was left surprised at how soon you came after I married your daddy. My plans for the year – of a big trip back to the UK, an extended honeymoon in Italy, completing some more studies, and developing my business – went completely out the window, in a second. Not to mention my plans to simply relish those early days of sweet wedded bliss. “Let the champagne keep on coming,” I thought! But instead, your daddy and I were immediately thrust into a world of ultrasounds, dopplers, and ante-natal books. But baby, we couldn’t have been happier.

I so loved being pregnant, making it my sole focus – and I remember those early days, eagerly awaiting my bump to show. You. Oh how I loved having you grow inside of me… my body changing, my senses developing, and the first time I felt you move. It was all so magical. An amazing time in my life I will never forget – and I am so pleased I started writing these letters to you, so I can relive those memories whenever I choose.

I think back to the year before we discovered you – my heart, body, and soul all nourished – getting married to a man who made me feel so special, going to the gym everyday, and writing lots of poetry; it was the happiest, most settled year of my life. I couldn’t imagine life getting better – but then you appeared. And being pregnant with you last year was even more wonderful. I kept feeling, over and over again, that I had won some kind of lottery. Having found my heart in your daddy, and my soul in you – I felt like the most blessed person in the world, having not one but two loves.

And now that I have met you, baby, I know that life will forever be better. Because, whatever comes, my life now has you in it. From that first moment you whooshed up my stick – you’ve amazed me, captivated me, had me.

here you are

2015-01-30 08.34.54
And you are really something. You are 4.5 months new and so full of love and curiosity. I can see you slowly emerging from your chrysalis, more so every day, and I know it’s only just beginning. We have slowly started to move from the day-to-day and look at the big picture again, too – planning our first family holiday, taking you to swimming lessons and talking about how your daddy will someday teach you to water-ski and windsurf, and laughing at the way you scrunch your nose when you smile and raise your eyebrows like I do. I so love seeing the resemblances, but, most of all, I love seeing your recognitions.

Your face lights up every time you see me. You know I’m your Mumma! It brings me so much joy, and you smile at me, pointing out your little tongue with happiness. I kiss you all over your cheeks and neck and on your button nose and I nibble your little ears – and you just let me. For the first time, this week, you put your arm up and reached for me. It was the most indescribable feeling. Just like today, one year ago, when I became a mother.

Baby, you have humbled me, grounded me, softened me – you have made me. I hope to continue learning from you, as we grow together. And I will write to you as often as I can, until life gets in the way.

Here’s to you, Beau Xavier. Completely perfect, just as you are.

Mumma.

Xxx

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