An ode to pregnancy

[NB: I wrote this love letter to baby in April 2014 when I was still pregnant, but for some reason I didn’t want to publish it at the time. Beau Xavier recently turned 9 months and I have been reflecting on his pregnancy as I think about getting ready (if I should be so blessed) for another babe. How pleased I was to have rediscovered this at this time! And it now feels good to share. Love and blessings, from me to you. Thank you so much for reading. x]

Dear baby

Sometimes, baby, when I think about sharing my body with you, I feel as though I know myself better. Not just my body, but the essence of who I am. My energy – my spirit. I looked at my bare legs this morning, as I sat on the bed eating breakfast and I felt greater than that. I believe that my spirit will outlive my body. Sometimes I meet people whose spirit has already died. But I believe mine will outlive this physical life. I hope yours will too. I feel sure of it.

I’m not exactly sure what happens after our bodies die. In fact, no one is or ever will be. But I do believe in the spirit. In something greater than blood and bones. I believe in something greater than what science can measure. I believe in possibility.

In my teens and early adulthood, my atheist years of not believing in anything but the tangible, physical world – there was something missing. The world seemed flat and life short. Deep down I believed in something more, but couldn’t accept the idea of God, or something I couldn’t define.

I used to read a lot about spirituality, about different energies, and the spiritual beliefs of different religions. I also read a lot about biology, and human science. I wanted to educate myself, but I eventually realised that what I was actually doing was informing myself about what other people think. “What have other people experienced, and how have they made sense of it?”, I asked myself. But much of my studies at University – of Psychology, social sciences, statistics, and research – taught me that any controlled experiment or observation is open to bias. Concrete evidence of a cause-effect relationship does not mean that what we have seen, and how we make sense of that, is truly what is happening. Something else could be going on concurrently. The life we experience, our reality, is exactly how we choose to frame it.

Whatever we believe, becomes our reality. What we believe to be true, is.

So I completed my studies, and I stopped the excessive reading and over-analysis of other people’s experiments. I stopped looking for an argument or a theory to support. I stopped looking for a side to join. And I started watching people. And talking to people.

From the age of 16, I have travelled a lot and spent time in many different countries around the world. I’ve seen how people live in different cultures. I’ve seen similarities, and differences. But soon I grew tired of looking outwards, and continuing to be swayed by the views of others. So I started looking inwards. I started to spend more time thinking than talking. I spent more time feeling than thinking. And I realised – life is simply what you make of it. That is the only truth, the only reality. What you believe, is your reality.

I have seen people with faith, and I have seen people without it. And that’s what I had been missing all of this time – faith. Not a belief in a God, or some deity, or fate, or a pre-determined life path, but a simple faith in there being something greater to our lives. Something greater than the cells of our bodies. Love. Hope. Charity. The goodness of mankind. Honour. Loyalty. Trust.

I finally found my faith when I found your daddy. And now we have you.

What I am trying to say, baby, is – you’ve not been born yet, but already you are here. You exist.

Your Mumma,

Xxx

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